Lessons Learned in 2008

Many of my friends and colleagues today are writing down their new year’s resolutions, but I decided to do something a little different. Today I will write down the biggest lessons I learned in 2008. I plan to take these lessons with me into 2009 and make better decisions (or at least not make the same mistakes).

Lesson 1 – Never lose sight of what really matters
It is very easy to lose sight of what really matters to us because of everyday demands. I was guilty of this in 2008 and didn’t realize it until the year almost ended.

In 2007 I was practicing corporate communications for a well-known company based out of London when I decided to move to Washington, DC to further my education. However, I got caught up working harder for others, drama, and putting everyone’s needs before my own that I didn’t take a single class towards a Master’s degree. It wasn’t until I found myself thousands of miles away from my family, a year older, 15 pounds lighter (not necessary bad) and a breast cup smaller (bad), feeling lost and depressed that I realized I had lost sight of what really mattered to me: my family and my education.

Fortunately I realized this and quickly started taking small steps to get back on the path I had laid out in 2007. Change can be scary, but not as scary as living a life without passion and a feeling of self-fulfillment.

Lesson 2 – The meaning of a true partnership
I realize that this can mean different things to people so it’s ok to disagree with me. I’m just ecstatic that I found a definition that works me because before relationships to me were about give or take all – and history has proven that didn’t work out too well, he he.

For me a true partnership:
- is not a competition; one uses each other’s strengths to balance out their weaknesses to build a stronger unit and create something together.
- one is strong when the other is weak
- you look out for each other and for their best interest
- shares failures as well as success

I learned that in a true partnership two people come together and use their strengths to balance the other person

Lesson 3 – There is strength in prayer
I always heard people say they were praying about, or recommending others to pray, and I always wondered why? Now I know why.

On a less serious note I also learned:

- Bus drivers always expect exact fare.

- If you live in DC you need to have two pairs of shows on you at all times. Your walking pair and the shoes you will wear at work.

- In DC one should have at least three umbrellas. Keep one umbrella at work, one at home and one in your purse or laptop bag.

- Never tell your priest that the Pope reminded you of Yoda.

- Liquor before beer or beer before liquor makes no difference you will still regret it the next day.

- When all your friends don’t like your date or say you “look better without him/her” then you should listen.

- You will grow up and start sounding just like your mother!


I hope everyone has a safe and fun evening, and the best for 2009.

Happy New Year!!

How did you arrive to the United States?

I was on a date recently with someone I met at church. Although he wasn’t Latino, the fact that he was catholic was enough to get my mother excited. Yet, the person who should have been excited about him - me - wasn’t. This was my attempt to move past CM.

We were getting to know each other, talking about the normal topics people discuss on a date (i.e.work, family, friends, movies, music, etc), and to my surprise I found myself enjoying the evening. Sadly that mood was quickly killed.

After we ordered dinner, he asked “So how did you arrive to the United States?”

My first thought was “WTF”, but I calmly and politely answered “I was born here.”

My name, and the blog give it away I am a Latina/Hispanic, however I am a US citizen. I notice that many times people make the mistake and think that Latinos/Hispanics living in the United States immigrated (legally/illegally), but the reality is many of us were born here. We are proud of being American and Latino/Hispanic, except one is our nationality and one is our cultura.

My date and I discussed this, and he saw where what he said could come off as offensive. Unfortunately for other reasons there will not be another date.

You're a healthy, attractive Latina in your twenties...Why don't you have any kids? Si quieres hijos verdad?

In the past few weeks life took over and I had to play catch up. Now I’m trying to mix both worlds - my world and the world that revolves around me (I’m kidding I know it doesn’t).

Today I was reminded that being a healthy single Latina in my twenties I had a lot more catching up to than my laundry and learning to dance Salsa. I was told that at my age I needed to settle down with a good man and start having children before it was too late.

“Es tu obligacion como mujer. Si quieres hijos verdad?”

This didn’t even come from my mother or from my aunts in Mexico, but from someone I had just met and here in DC! I know she meant well, and I didn’t take offense.

I do want to have a family one day, but I don’t think it’s my obligation to fill the world with mini-Almas. Con una basta!

I gave the trademark response, “Si quiero tener mi propia familia pero por el momento no tengo pareja, ni estoy casada. Yo creo que todo vendra a su tiempo.”

She didn’t find the fact that I was single, or that I thought everything would come with time reason enough for me to hold off on having kids and told me that I made good money and that I should just have them on my own...before my eggs get old.

I guess I should have been more specific and said that I didn’t have a sperm donor, but I found this both funny and depressing.

So to cheer me up I went and had my eye brows threaded this evening and plan to go out share a pitcher of margaritas. Who knows maybe this way I’ll across a sperm donor!

Just kidding, I don’t want to deal with no cigs and alcohol; stretch marks, gas and hemorrhoids for nine months alone with no partner to suffer with me or “baby daddy” drama for the next 20 years of my life.

I’m Mexican I was taught to make salsa not dance salsa

I love to dance. I’m not the best dancer, but I don’t care. I love the expression, the music and the workout it provides.

Latinos we love music and we love to dance. In DC I’ve noticed that not only can the majority of Latinos dance, but they would put the participants in Bailando por un Sueño, So you think you can Dance, and Dancing with the Stars to shame.

Recently I went out with DC’s Latino Professionals for a night out in the city. We proved no one can do it like Latinos!

That night my FH tried to teach me how to dance Salsa. I was surprised by two things: One that he could dance and two that he was patient to try and teach me.

I can dance salsa as long as I don’t have to touch or follow. He wanted to dance together (holding each other) which would require me to follow.

He said “It’s ok just trust me.”

“I want to but it’s not that easy for me,” I said. I’m too independent that even on the dance floor I can’t let myself go and be dependent on someone else.

Laughing I told him “FH I’m Mexican I was taught how to make salsa, not dance salsa”

“Really, you can make salsa? What kinds of salsas can you make?” he asked a little to excited.

So now I have to learn to make 5 different kinds of salsa because I don’t consider pico (tomatoes, onion, cilantro jalapeño and lime) a salsa, at least one that will do my mother and grandmother justice.

I have also signed up to take salsa lessons with the one and only Mario Salsa through DC Salsa Productions. According to FH Mario is the best person for the job!!

I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted on my salsa dancing.

A list I am glad I am not on - la lista de las cochinas

I recently found out about a list, la lista de las cochinas. That's definitely one list I am glad I am not on. The list consists of people who have been seen go to the bathroom, and do not wash their hands!!! I don't know the names of everyone on the list, just the name of one person.

Honestly I should not have been so surprised (or disgusted) to find out because her hygiene has been questioned, but how can an adult go to the bathroom and not wash??? It's the first thing parents teach their kids!!! I started to freak out and disgusted when I remembered that I once she gave me a peach.

"Oh, thank you", I said.

"Aren't you going to eat it?"

"Oh I will later after I wash it"

She insisted it was clean, and in an effort to offend her I started eating it.(EWWWWW).

Ewww, now I know why one of my colleagues never accepts fruit from people. From now on I don't think I am accepting any fruit from people. ewwww....

I'm glad I didn't catch her in the bathroom or I would have politely reminded her to wash her hands just as I reminded the woman at the movie theatre when I first moved to DC.

It happened in 2005 - Paso en el 2005

I have led a great life! Although it hasn’t always been perfect or what some would consider conventional I have never lacked for anything, it's been exciting, filled with interesting people and my biggest blessing has been being surrounded by love from my family and friends. I have to admit that 2005 so far was the most difficult year I have experienced to date.

Shortly after my birthday, one of the worst things that could ever happen to anyone happened to me. Only a small number of people know what happened and that's how it will stay, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Some might judge me or say that I should have said something or done something about it. I can't blame them for feeling that way because before this I would have been saying the same thing, but the emotions that one goes through, the confusion, one's wish to ignore and forget and the fear make the choices, not the person.

The stress and emotional baggage from the incident that I was carrying inside took a toll on my health. Later that year I got sick and had to have an uncomfortable test done only to be told to have more - I didn't get them done only because I started feeling better. I don’t know how, but I was somehow managing to keep it together.


After moving forward, other symptoms I had been ignoring caught up with me, and I found out that I'm hypoglycemic, aka low-blood sugar. I was so upset. I was still trying to make sense of the incidents that had taken place earlier this only added to the list.

I think what was so hard was the lack of control. I had no control over what happened, and now no control over my body. So I had to do something that would give me back that sense of control. So I started working out and being better about what I put into my body. The changes were slow and on and off. But then I would suffer the consequences for not listening to my body.

I didn't want to be sick, I wanted to be young and carefree like my friends. I hated having to explain to my friends what was wrong especially when I was trying to understand myself.

As difficult as that year was, I am glad for the people who were in it. although it was tough for them too, and they might not have agreed with some of the choices I made they were always there to give me strength.

Today I have a better grasp on my on how to control my sugar levels, that it doesn’t affect my daily life as it once did. An even greater achievement is I no longer have nightmares, live in fear or blame myself for what happened.

Things happen for a reason as to why that horrible situation took place I still don't know, but as they say “no hay mal que por bien no venga”, and this did prove to me how strong I am. I no longer question my strength... or my faith.

Oddly enough I found my faith again. but none of this came easily or fast. I learned the meaning of what my grandmother once told me “Dios aprieta pero no ahoga” (it’s amazing how small comments that one makes can stick with us and change our world).

En que estaba pensando? I wasn’t thinking!

“En que estaba pensando? I wasn’t thinking!” These past few weeks I found myself borrowing those lines from the words of NIDA’s “After the Party” public service announcement.

Caught in the moment I made a decision on impulse and broke all the rules. All of them!

When my roommate found out she looked at me and said “Alma! Why? After everything that happened?”

“Por pendeja” why else.

Yeah we (CM and me) had a history, but how much is that worth when that history includes him fucking me over?

Background
I wish I could place a picture of what this girl looked like, and a pic of him for that matter, for everyone to see. Seriously. Esta cabrona esta fea, really horrible, horrible. Y aparte de fea es sangrona. Not only is she ugly but she's a bitch (she has two faces) and no interesting personality. However; I’m sure that posting a picture or stating names would bring up lawsuits or all kinds of fun trouble.

I’m not being mean people in our circle would look and express this,
“eww, did you just see CM with X. She’s...ewww”.

I was upset. I was upset at how he handled things. He could have been forward and trust me I wasn’t going to beg or ask why. I would have just walked away, which is exactly what I did.

Although I walked away without saying a word, I admit my self-esteem was hurt a little, and it made me wonder "que tiene ella, que yo no", "no es mas bonita, no es mas simpatica, ni mas inteligente", porque"? Although I have no trouble meeting people or lack attention from men, I wanted it from him.

Sometimes I joke that it would have been easier for me to make sense of it if it was for someone attractive or had a personality or even a for a man. Yes a man because that way I could have said, "Well, just look at him, he’s hot! I would have left too for him”

But I couldn't even say that. I'm laughing as I type this, because is a macho man and would cringe at the thought of a man.

After I walked and decided to move on I thought the best thing to do was avoid contact, interaction, everything, unless absolutely necessary. When there had to be interact I would be nice and as if nothing had happened, but the more I tried to be nice the more of an ass he would be.

Finally I just stopped trying. That only made him worse, and I wasn’t one to back down. He fucked me over again, and this time it was my bread and butter that was going to be affected so I fought back. Le regale una, pero descubrio que una Latina no se deja. La telenovela then became a nightmare - a real scary one.

I was miserable in this situation and just wanted the nightmare to end. Slowly it did.

Today
I don’t know what direction things will take. I’ve seen his ugly side, and I can still see a good side. Even though I broke all the rules I would like to see more of his good side, just as I would like for him to see more of me (I’m more than just a pretty face and a great rack). But I admit a part of me wants to kick him for being an ass =p.

Realistically men are different than women. Men can sleep with women have no feelings involved. For women it's different, and Latina women are different than white women. We need to have feelings before we can sleep with someone (well at least I do). As i mentioned there was a history, but whatever his feelings are/were...well for all I know they could have been non-existent.

Pero en que estaba pensando????

Have you behaved yourself? - Te has portado bien?

It's no secret, I’m a daddy’s girl...and a mommy’s girl. Some have said my sister and I are spoiled, but it’s not our fault that our parents love us.

I speak to my parents regularly and never need a reason to call them - call just to call. If time slips by and I don’t call my mother will call me just to remind me I have a mother.

“Ya se te olvido que tienes una mama?”

I find that hilarious.

My dad likes to tell me they love and miss me. He also likes to ask me how I am behaving.

“De has portado bien?”

“yes. wait, what exactly do you mean when you ask that question?”

I asked because he could have been referring to me paying all my bills, depositing into my Roth IRA, etc.

He laughed and told me they’re done raising me and that at this point I knew.

Sometimes I forget.

Back

These past few weeks my mind has been racing as I wonder what happens next. I've neglected myself and the blog, but I can't do that anymore. I'm currently putting together blog topics and drafting posts to keep it going.

Caught in the rain

DC is a great city that I would love if only it had better weather.

So far this summer it has rained on a weekly basis. Sometimes at least three times a week.

I know some might think that's nothing, but I'm from the west coast where the weather is great 300 days out of the year.

If water falls on me I melt!! Ok, not really.

I'm just moody because for the second time in two weeks I got caught in the rain. This morning the weather was great, and I opted to go outside and run errands. Didn't even think about bringing an umbrella.

On my way home I exit the metro and it's pouring, and I'm wearing a white top.

Enjoying Breakfast at Tiffany's

You can laugh at me (my roommate does), but I admit I love the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and the song “moon river”. I’m by far not as glamorous or fashionable as Audrey Hepburn, but there were always themes that I related to since I first saw the movie.

One might wonder “what does a Latina have in common with a young white girl living in NYC that she can relate?” It’s not easy, but I’ll try my best to explain.

In the movie, Audrey Hepburn played Holly Golightly, a young woman transplanted in the city, trying to find her place in the world. The character finds herself always running...from herself. Trust me I’ve tried, but I can’t run fast enough to get away from myself. I moved to DC knowing only one soul, and with no job secured! Only God knows what he has planned for me, and I’ll keep moving till I get there.

There is the central theme of one’s struggle between the need for stability and the desire for freedom.

- I’ve always had stability, even while growing up in the military and moving every three years my parents made sure we had stability and a constant home. Even if that constant home was in Mexico.
- Yet with all my parents efforts to provide stability I always felt trapped, limited with the desire, hunger for something more. I wanted excitement. I wanted adventure. I wanted the world.
- Today I look for my place in this world. For my own adventure. My own story. I don’t want to look back and regret not having tried.

The theme surrounding the sense that one doesn’t belong because we don’t meet the mainstream’s norm - yes I know I don’t - bring the saying “ni de aqui ni de alla” to mind. Many know the feeling of growing up in this country that we are neither from “here nor there”. For me I was too American to be considered Mexican in Mexico, and in the US I was too Mexican to be considered American or “mainstream American” in the US. Therefore I am not at home...yet.

Then you have me. On the outside quirky, fun, slightly off the norm girl you want to hang out or party with when the opportunity arises, yet deep down she’s scared, alone and trying to fit in and find her place in this world without losing herself. When the party is over everyone leaves and one is left alone to pick up and salvage what's not broken. Only those who have stuck around after seeing me when I am vulnerable are my closest loved ones and true friends. For you I am greatful and blessed to have in my life. I only hope to be able to be there for you when you need someone to hold you up.

(BTW - this was posted after a few glasses of wine so please forgive the grammatical errors)

Lyrics to Moon River
Moon River, wider than a mile:

I'm crossin' you in style someday.

Oh dreammaker, you heartbreaker,

Wherever you're goin', I'm goin'your way.

Two drifters, off to see the world.

There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end,

Waitin' round the bend,

My huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

baby or no baby

nothing a little wine can't help clear up. posting after a few glasses of pinot

The dating advise from Latino parents that I didn't believe or follow growing up in US

I've received requests by several people to post the rules my mother always wanted me to follow. I didn't post them the first time around because I love my mommy and didn't want people who might not agree with them to criticize her or say anything disrespectful.

You should know that although my mom was more vocal with the advise, my dad agrees with my mom and always provides supporting details. I hope you enjoy the post and find it beneficial, or you could always pick up a copy of "Mars and Venus on a Date" as I had to before I could see the value in my Mom's advise.

My mother told me the following growing up

When a couple starts dating a woman should be receptive to a man's attention, and it is a man's job to win a woman over there for he should:

- let him chase you

- let him pick you up on your date (preferably from your house, but I can see how the following might work in extreme circumstances: airport, metro stop, Am track, work, etc)

- he should plan the date (you should just acknowledge the effort he put in)

- he should pay for the date (I don't care if you are dutch, you don't split the bill)

- don't complain or make negative comments about a location he picked for your date (especially in the beginning of your dating life)

- highlight the positives in your life - don't go over any negative situation you might have had a work, school, etc he will think you are difficult. (wait till you are more serious to show this side)

- DONT have sex, even after you are exclusive you should wait or interest will be lost
(my mother said till marriage, but that can be really hard in our society. Relationship therapists say you should wait till a couple has reached a level of intimacy that includes emotional, spiritual, and mental. I know society tell us we need to try out the goods before we buy, but do we really want to judge a person's relationship worth on sex? Not just that, but do we really want someone to judge our relationship worth on sex?)

- don't fret if he doesn't call. You will only drive yourself nuts wondering why he hasn't called when you could be out having fun with your friends or on other dates.

- don't call him (really don't call him)

- if you break up, don't take him back move on to someone new

- don't be afraid to be single (men can sense this)

- have mutual respect for one another (if he does/says something that is disrespectful or offends you politely let him know. If he knowingly does it again, move on)

- don't spend all your free time with him

I realize that many of these rules are not easy to follow once we are in our 20's or 30's because we are so use to our own ways. Although I am guilty of having broken many of these I think they are worth trying seeing all the mistakes I have made.

My Mother's Dating Rules

I found myself in my twenties admitting that I had no clue to what dating was all about. Latinas are not brought up to date...or so I thought.

My mom had given my sister and me dating advise when we entered our teens. Of course I didn’t listen. I just thought “This is the US, not Mexico. Las cosas son diferente en este pais.”

I tried to find answers to the questions I had and learn the rules by watching TV, reading the fashion magazines (that will go unnamed). All that did was lead to mistakes, more questions and frustrations. Some of the information I read was so ridiculous that no woman (especially a Latina) with any self respect would follow.

At one point I just thought I would accept the old man’s marriage proposal (that’s a future post) if I never figured it (dating) out. Then a few weeks at the Phoenix airport I came across the book “Mars and Venus on a Date” by John Gray, Ph.D. the author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”.

I quickly bought the book thinking “At last, something that will explain this to me.” It’s a great book, that taught me that my mother was right.

“AGH!!!” I say this as I throw my hands in the air, frustrated and upset as I think about all the trouble I could have saved myself, not to mention $15, if I had just listened to my mother!!

I realize that the words my mom shared with me wasn’t traditional, old fashion or customs from “the old country” , but insight to the male and female psychology that goes beyond borders and customs. My mother wasn’t giving me her dating advice to keep me from having fun. On the contrary she wanted me to know the rules so that I could fully experience dating and actually have fun instead of wasting so much time asking questions.

My mom doesn’t have a Ph.D or best seller, but she could easily have had both had she not dedicated her life to her children, and for that I will always be grateful. When I confessed to her that she had been right about dating she laughed and told me to send my sister a copy.

A girl can get lost under these deep city lights

And if you’re me then you can bet money it will happen.

Wednesday night I attended the Robert Scoble & Gary Vaynerchuk D.C. Bash in Dupont. It was great catching up with people I hadn’t seen in weeks and meeting new ones. The free wine was also a plus!

Ended the night having dinner with my friend Dre and decided to walk home from Dupont. Sounds simple. As I leave the restaurant I realized I had 3 text messages from A.L who I had seen earlier at the bash. I always love talking to A.L. (and via text included) and the text conversation began. Before I knew it I had arrived to the national monument! I had been so engrossed in my text conversation that I didn’t realize I had been walking in the opposite direction.

I start to panic. I tell myself I am not lost because I know exactly where I am. However, it doesn’t help because I have no idea how I am going to get home with no cash on me. It’s too far for me to walk home at this point, and too late for me to even try that if I did it is just asking for a rape or a mugging.

I start walking home in 3 inch heels keeping my eyes open for a bus, metro stop or ATM machine. I don’t come across any of those items, and decide to try my luck with a cab. Someone was looking out for me, or I must have been a very smooth talker because the first cab I hailed agreed to take me home.

I made it home that night with just enough time to wake up my roommate and tell her all about my night. =) She’s going to return the favor one night.

Told CM

This morning at work I told CM about my ADHD. I hope he doesn't use that against me.

It isn't information I share with many people especially people at work. It's information I am still trying to understand and don't need for others to pass judgement or label me.

You don’t look Hispanic

Nothing offends me more than when someone says to me "You don't look Hispanic" or "Well, you're not really Hispanic".   

When I was younger I would think "WTF, I look like my family (which still lives in Mexico) what am I supposed to look like?" or "Que no me ven el nopal en la frente?" Today, I tell myself it is out of ignorance, and try my best to educate him/her that we (Hispanic/Latinos) are not a race and that Latin America is made up of different cultures. 

Although I don't agree with the comment that I don't look Hispanic, I can understand why some people would say it.  Thanks to TV many have the idea that Hispanics/Latinos are short, dark and poor.  I'm 5'6", white skin that doesn't tan, strong facial features and naturally light hair (I dye it black) and think I look just as Hispanic/Latino as Jennifer Lopez, George Lopez or as the man I use to buy my burritos at lunch from his lonchera.  

The comment I don't understand and take an even bigger offense is when people say I am not a real Hispanic or act like one.  Hmmm.... how am I supposed to act?

Submissive?

Maybe bring tamales for everyone in the office?

Or as a hot tamale and use my sexuality to get by?

Fat chance I am or will ever be any of the above!

The funny thing about all this is I spent the majority of my childhood in Mexico, and spoke no English when I started school in the states (ni una groceria sabia decir en Ingles).  

Yet I'm not a real Hispanic/Latino.  

Nadie se va casar con una mujer que no lava trastes - No one will marry a girl who doesn't wash dishes

"Nadie se va querer casar con una mujer que no sabe lavar trastes." That was my mother telling me no one would marry me if I didn't know how to wash dishes.  This was her attempt to get me to do chores.  It failed.  I don't know exactly how old I was when she said this, but I couldn't have been more than 13.  

Even at that age I knew I didn't want to be a housewife and I told my mother "no voy a ir a la universidad para ser criada.  Cuando me case me voy a casar con un hombre que busca una esposa no una criada." Just as I told my mother that day, I went to college, received my degree and still look to marry a man who wants to marry a partner not a maid.  

Today I am 27 years old living in DC, educated and single.  I am almost 3000 miles away from my parents wishing I knew how to cook like my mother, fix a car like my father, was as funny as my sister V., as tech savvy as my brother J. and as passionate and gifted as my brother B.  

I still don't wash dishes.