En que estaba pensando? I wasn’t thinking!

“En que estaba pensando? I wasn’t thinking!” These past few weeks I found myself borrowing those lines from the words of NIDA’s “After the Party” public service announcement.

Caught in the moment I made a decision on impulse and broke all the rules. All of them!

When my roommate found out she looked at me and said “Alma! Why? After everything that happened?”

“Por pendeja” why else.

Yeah we (CM and me) had a history, but how much is that worth when that history includes him fucking me over?

Background
I wish I could place a picture of what this girl looked like, and a pic of him for that matter, for everyone to see. Seriously. Esta cabrona esta fea, really horrible, horrible. Y aparte de fea es sangrona. Not only is she ugly but she's a bitch (she has two faces) and no interesting personality. However; I’m sure that posting a picture or stating names would bring up lawsuits or all kinds of fun trouble.

I’m not being mean people in our circle would look and express this,
“eww, did you just see CM with X. She’s...ewww”.

I was upset. I was upset at how he handled things. He could have been forward and trust me I wasn’t going to beg or ask why. I would have just walked away, which is exactly what I did.

Although I walked away without saying a word, I admit my self-esteem was hurt a little, and it made me wonder "que tiene ella, que yo no", "no es mas bonita, no es mas simpatica, ni mas inteligente", porque"? Although I have no trouble meeting people or lack attention from men, I wanted it from him.

Sometimes I joke that it would have been easier for me to make sense of it if it was for someone attractive or had a personality or even a for a man. Yes a man because that way I could have said, "Well, just look at him, he’s hot! I would have left too for him”

But I couldn't even say that. I'm laughing as I type this, because is a macho man and would cringe at the thought of a man.

After I walked and decided to move on I thought the best thing to do was avoid contact, interaction, everything, unless absolutely necessary. When there had to be interact I would be nice and as if nothing had happened, but the more I tried to be nice the more of an ass he would be.

Finally I just stopped trying. That only made him worse, and I wasn’t one to back down. He fucked me over again, and this time it was my bread and butter that was going to be affected so I fought back. Le regale una, pero descubrio que una Latina no se deja. La telenovela then became a nightmare - a real scary one.

I was miserable in this situation and just wanted the nightmare to end. Slowly it did.

Today
I don’t know what direction things will take. I’ve seen his ugly side, and I can still see a good side. Even though I broke all the rules I would like to see more of his good side, just as I would like for him to see more of me (I’m more than just a pretty face and a great rack). But I admit a part of me wants to kick him for being an ass =p.

Realistically men are different than women. Men can sleep with women have no feelings involved. For women it's different, and Latina women are different than white women. We need to have feelings before we can sleep with someone (well at least I do). As i mentioned there was a history, but whatever his feelings are/were...well for all I know they could have been non-existent.

Pero en que estaba pensando????