“En que estaba pensando? I wasn’t thinking!” These past few weeks I found myself borrowing those lines from the words of NIDA’s “After the Party” public service announcement.
Caught in the moment I made a decision on impulse and broke all the rules. All of them!
When my roommate found out she looked at me and said “Alma! Why? After everything that happened?”
“Por pendeja” why else.
Yeah we (CM and me) had a history, but how much is that worth when that history includes him fucking me over?
Background
I wish I could place a picture of what this girl looked like, and a pic of him for that matter, for everyone to see. Seriously. Esta cabrona esta fea, really horrible, horrible. Y aparte de fea es sangrona. Not only is she ugly but she's a bitch (she has two faces) and no interesting personality. However; I’m sure that posting a picture or stating names would bring up lawsuits or all kinds of fun trouble.
I’m not being mean people in our circle would look and express this,
“eww, did you just see CM with X. She’s...ewww”.
I was upset. I was upset at how he handled things. He could have been forward and trust me I wasn’t going to beg or ask why. I would have just walked away, which is exactly what I did.
Although I walked away without saying a word, I admit my self-esteem was hurt a little, and it made me wonder "que tiene ella, que yo no", "no es mas bonita, no es mas simpatica, ni mas inteligente", porque"? Although I have no trouble meeting people or lack attention from men, I wanted it from him.
Sometimes I joke that it would have been easier for me to make sense of it if it was for someone attractive or had a personality or even a for a man. Yes a man because that way I could have said, "Well, just look at him, he’s hot! I would have left too for him”
But I couldn't even say that. I'm laughing as I type this, because is a macho man and would cringe at the thought of a man.
After I walked and decided to move on I thought the best thing to do was avoid contact, interaction, everything, unless absolutely necessary. When there had to be interact I would be nice and as if nothing had happened, but the more I tried to be nice the more of an ass he would be.
Finally I just stopped trying. That only made him worse, and I wasn’t one to back down. He fucked me over again, and this time it was my bread and butter that was going to be affected so I fought back. Le regale una, pero descubrio que una Latina no se deja. La telenovela then became a nightmare - a real scary one.
I was miserable in this situation and just wanted the nightmare to end. Slowly it did.
Today
I don’t know what direction things will take. I’ve seen his ugly side, and I can still see a good side. Even though I broke all the rules I would like to see more of his good side, just as I would like for him to see more of me (I’m more than just a pretty face and a great rack). But I admit a part of me wants to kick him for being an ass =p.
Realistically men are different than women. Men can sleep with women have no feelings involved. For women it's different, and Latina women are different than white women. We need to have feelings before we can sleep with someone (well at least I do). As i mentioned there was a history, but whatever his feelings are/were...well for all I know they could have been non-existent.
Pero en que estaba pensando????
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Have you behaved yourself? - Te has portado bien?
It's no secret, I’m a daddy’s girl...and a mommy’s girl. Some have said my sister and I are spoiled, but it’s not our fault that our parents love us.
I speak to my parents regularly and never need a reason to call them - call just to call. If time slips by and I don’t call my mother will call me just to remind me I have a mother.
“Ya se te olvido que tienes una mama?”
I find that hilarious.
My dad likes to tell me they love and miss me. He also likes to ask me how I am behaving.
“De has portado bien?”
“yes. wait, what exactly do you mean when you ask that question?”
I asked because he could have been referring to me paying all my bills, depositing into my Roth IRA, etc.
He laughed and told me they’re done raising me and that at this point I knew.
Sometimes I forget.
I speak to my parents regularly and never need a reason to call them - call just to call. If time slips by and I don’t call my mother will call me just to remind me I have a mother.
“Ya se te olvido que tienes una mama?”
I find that hilarious.
My dad likes to tell me they love and miss me. He also likes to ask me how I am behaving.
“De has portado bien?”
“yes. wait, what exactly do you mean when you ask that question?”
I asked because he could have been referring to me paying all my bills, depositing into my Roth IRA, etc.
He laughed and told me they’re done raising me and that at this point I knew.
Sometimes I forget.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Back
These past few weeks my mind has been racing as I wonder what happens next. I've neglected myself and the blog, but I can't do that anymore. I'm currently putting together blog topics and drafting posts to keep it going.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Caught in the rain
DC is a great city that I would love if only it had better weather.
So far this summer it has rained on a weekly basis. Sometimes at least three times a week.
I know some might think that's nothing, but I'm from the west coast where the weather is great 300 days out of the year.
If water falls on me I melt!! Ok, not really.
I'm just moody because for the second time in two weeks I got caught in the rain. This morning the weather was great, and I opted to go outside and run errands. Didn't even think about bringing an umbrella.
On my way home I exit the metro and it's pouring, and I'm wearing a white top.
So far this summer it has rained on a weekly basis. Sometimes at least three times a week.
I know some might think that's nothing, but I'm from the west coast where the weather is great 300 days out of the year.
If water falls on me I melt!! Ok, not really.
I'm just moody because for the second time in two weeks I got caught in the rain. This morning the weather was great, and I opted to go outside and run errands. Didn't even think about bringing an umbrella.
On my way home I exit the metro and it's pouring, and I'm wearing a white top.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Enjoying Breakfast at Tiffany's
You can laugh at me (my roommate does), but I admit I love the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and the song “moon river”. I’m by far not as glamorous or fashionable as Audrey Hepburn, but there were always themes that I related to since I first saw the movie.
One might wonder “what does a Latina have in common with a young white girl living in NYC that she can relate?” It’s not easy, but I’ll try my best to explain.
In the movie, Audrey Hepburn played Holly Golightly, a young woman transplanted in the city, trying to find her place in the world. The character finds herself always running...from herself. Trust me I’ve tried, but I can’t run fast enough to get away from myself. I moved to DC knowing only one soul, and with no job secured! Only God knows what he has planned for me, and I’ll keep moving till I get there.
There is the central theme of one’s struggle between the need for stability and the desire for freedom.
- I’ve always had stability, even while growing up in the military and moving every three years my parents made sure we had stability and a constant home. Even if that constant home was in Mexico.
- Yet with all my parents efforts to provide stability I always felt trapped, limited with the desire, hunger for something more. I wanted excitement. I wanted adventure. I wanted the world.
- Today I look for my place in this world. For my own adventure. My own story. I don’t want to look back and regret not having tried.
The theme surrounding the sense that one doesn’t belong because we don’t meet the mainstream’s norm - yes I know I don’t - bring the saying “ni de aqui ni de alla” to mind. Many know the feeling of growing up in this country that we are neither from “here nor there”. For me I was too American to be considered Mexican in Mexico, and in the US I was too Mexican to be considered American or “mainstream American” in the US. Therefore I am not at home...yet.
Then you have me. On the outside quirky, fun, slightly off the norm girl you want to hang out or party with when the opportunity arises, yet deep down she’s scared, alone and trying to fit in and find her place in this world without losing herself. When the party is over everyone leaves and one is left alone to pick up and salvage what's not broken. Only those who have stuck around after seeing me when I am vulnerable are my closest loved ones and true friends. For you I am greatful and blessed to have in my life. I only hope to be able to be there for you when you need someone to hold you up.
(BTW - this was posted after a few glasses of wine so please forgive the grammatical errors)
Lyrics to Moon River
Moon River, wider than a mile:
I'm crossin' you in style someday.
Oh dreammaker, you heartbreaker,
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin'your way.
Two drifters, off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end,
Waitin' round the bend,
My huckleberry friend, Moon River and me.
One might wonder “what does a Latina have in common with a young white girl living in NYC that she can relate?” It’s not easy, but I’ll try my best to explain.
In the movie, Audrey Hepburn played Holly Golightly, a young woman transplanted in the city, trying to find her place in the world. The character finds herself always running...from herself. Trust me I’ve tried, but I can’t run fast enough to get away from myself. I moved to DC knowing only one soul, and with no job secured! Only God knows what he has planned for me, and I’ll keep moving till I get there.
There is the central theme of one’s struggle between the need for stability and the desire for freedom.
- I’ve always had stability, even while growing up in the military and moving every three years my parents made sure we had stability and a constant home. Even if that constant home was in Mexico.
- Yet with all my parents efforts to provide stability I always felt trapped, limited with the desire, hunger for something more. I wanted excitement. I wanted adventure. I wanted the world.
- Today I look for my place in this world. For my own adventure. My own story. I don’t want to look back and regret not having tried.
The theme surrounding the sense that one doesn’t belong because we don’t meet the mainstream’s norm - yes I know I don’t - bring the saying “ni de aqui ni de alla” to mind. Many know the feeling of growing up in this country that we are neither from “here nor there”. For me I was too American to be considered Mexican in Mexico, and in the US I was too Mexican to be considered American or “mainstream American” in the US. Therefore I am not at home...yet.
Then you have me. On the outside quirky, fun, slightly off the norm girl you want to hang out or party with when the opportunity arises, yet deep down she’s scared, alone and trying to fit in and find her place in this world without losing herself. When the party is over everyone leaves and one is left alone to pick up and salvage what's not broken. Only those who have stuck around after seeing me when I am vulnerable are my closest loved ones and true friends. For you I am greatful and blessed to have in my life. I only hope to be able to be there for you when you need someone to hold you up.
(BTW - this was posted after a few glasses of wine so please forgive the grammatical errors)
Lyrics to Moon River
Moon River, wider than a mile:
I'm crossin' you in style someday.
Oh dreammaker, you heartbreaker,
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin'your way.
Two drifters, off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end,
Waitin' round the bend,
My huckleberry friend, Moon River and me.
The dating advise from Latino parents that I didn't believe or follow growing up in US
I've received requests by several people to post the rules my mother always wanted me to follow. I didn't post them the first time around because I love my mommy and didn't want people who might not agree with them to criticize her or say anything disrespectful.
You should know that although my mom was more vocal with the advise, my dad agrees with my mom and always provides supporting details. I hope you enjoy the post and find it beneficial, or you could always pick up a copy of "Mars and Venus on a Date" as I had to before I could see the value in my Mom's advise.
My mother told me the following growing up
When a couple starts dating a woman should be receptive to a man's attention, and it is a man's job to win a woman over there for he should:
- let him chase you
- let him pick you up on your date (preferably from your house, but I can see how the following might work in extreme circumstances: airport, metro stop, Am track, work, etc)
- he should plan the date (you should just acknowledge the effort he put in)
- he should pay for the date (I don't care if you are dutch, you don't split the bill)
- don't complain or make negative comments about a location he picked for your date (especially in the beginning of your dating life)
- highlight the positives in your life - don't go over any negative situation you might have had a work, school, etc he will think you are difficult. (wait till you are more serious to show this side)
- DONT have sex, even after you are exclusive you should wait or interest will be lost
(my mother said till marriage, but that can be really hard in our society. Relationship therapists say you should wait till a couple has reached a level of intimacy that includes emotional, spiritual, and mental. I know society tell us we need to try out the goods before we buy, but do we really want to judge a person's relationship worth on sex? Not just that, but do we really want someone to judge our relationship worth on sex?)
- don't fret if he doesn't call. You will only drive yourself nuts wondering why he hasn't called when you could be out having fun with your friends or on other dates.
- don't call him (really don't call him)
- if you break up, don't take him back move on to someone new
- don't be afraid to be single (men can sense this)
- have mutual respect for one another (if he does/says something that is disrespectful or offends you politely let him know. If he knowingly does it again, move on)
- don't spend all your free time with him
I realize that many of these rules are not easy to follow once we are in our 20's or 30's because we are so use to our own ways. Although I am guilty of having broken many of these I think they are worth trying seeing all the mistakes I have made.
You should know that although my mom was more vocal with the advise, my dad agrees with my mom and always provides supporting details. I hope you enjoy the post and find it beneficial, or you could always pick up a copy of "Mars and Venus on a Date" as I had to before I could see the value in my Mom's advise.
My mother told me the following growing up
When a couple starts dating a woman should be receptive to a man's attention, and it is a man's job to win a woman over there for he should:
- let him chase you
- let him pick you up on your date (preferably from your house, but I can see how the following might work in extreme circumstances: airport, metro stop, Am track, work, etc)
- he should plan the date (you should just acknowledge the effort he put in)
- he should pay for the date (I don't care if you are dutch, you don't split the bill)
- don't complain or make negative comments about a location he picked for your date (especially in the beginning of your dating life)
- highlight the positives in your life - don't go over any negative situation you might have had a work, school, etc he will think you are difficult. (wait till you are more serious to show this side)
- DONT have sex, even after you are exclusive you should wait or interest will be lost
(my mother said till marriage, but that can be really hard in our society. Relationship therapists say you should wait till a couple has reached a level of intimacy that includes emotional, spiritual, and mental. I know society tell us we need to try out the goods before we buy, but do we really want to judge a person's relationship worth on sex? Not just that, but do we really want someone to judge our relationship worth on sex?)
- don't fret if he doesn't call. You will only drive yourself nuts wondering why he hasn't called when you could be out having fun with your friends or on other dates.
- don't call him (really don't call him)
- if you break up, don't take him back move on to someone new
- don't be afraid to be single (men can sense this)
- have mutual respect for one another (if he does/says something that is disrespectful or offends you politely let him know. If he knowingly does it again, move on)
- don't spend all your free time with him
I realize that many of these rules are not easy to follow once we are in our 20's or 30's because we are so use to our own ways. Although I am guilty of having broken many of these I think they are worth trying seeing all the mistakes I have made.
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